Such A Big..... Ego

Egos. We've all got one. Some are bigger, some more fragile, some are more brazen and shown to the world. But I think we can all agree that in some way, shape or form - we all have an ego. And it can be tough when it takes a blow.
 Especially when it's a fat girl who puts the mortal combat moves straight through it...

I am not stunningly beautiful. I don't have a magical fanny and I have a gag reflex. Even my personality is a bit crap to be honest with you. So why is it that the men I've had in my life find it so hard when I decide to leave? Especially when none of them have really loved me. Ego. Whether they would like to admit it or not, the fat girl is supposed to be desperate. You're supposed to leave them, you're meant to not find them attractive not the other way around. It's a bitter pill to swallow when the person who society and the media say is unattractive and unworthy isn't interested in you.

I last saw K nearly 18 months ago. I'd liked him when we first met, I'm not going to lie. I'd hoped we would eventually be something. We never were.  But I'll admit I did chase him for a while until one day I realised I was just over it. A reoccurring theme in my life when it comes to men. So I just stopped calling and texting. I didn't respond to his messages. It wasn't a big thing, we hadn't been anything so no problem right? Wrong. After the last time we met I was bombarded for over a year with missed calls and unanswered texts. Why don't I want him anymore? Why won't I sleep with him? Can we meet up to have sex? Didn't I know that he fancied me? Was there someone else?
It was constant. At some points almost daily.
 Now read the questions he was asking me again. What was it he really wanted from me? Full disclosure, we had only ever slept together a handful of times. It wasn't something that happened regularly so what was the problem?! Ego. He couldn't believe that a fat girl had rejected him. He couldn't stand it. He needed to be the one to end things, he needed to know that even after weeks, months and eventually a year had passed- he could still click his fingers and get it. His fragile ego needed that validation.  How do I know this? Well, a lifetime of experience and the last messages that he sent to me. Suddenly I was a fat bitch. Did I really think I could do better than him?? Yes. Yes, I could. Firstly, step your game up if you're going to try and insult me. I am fat and I can be a bitch- neither of which is hurtful. Also if you're a man and you're going to come for a woman about her size- make sure that your tits aren't bigger than the woman you're trying to shade. Not saying K had big man boobs, just saying if the bra fits..

But I think everyone can relate to this. You're gorgeous when you're with them, the best thing that's ever happened to them! As soon as you end it or you're not as interested in them as they are in you - you're fat, ugly, stupid and/or you've got a small dick (if you're a dude obviously)
This is a familiar pattern to me. I used K as an example because it was quite recent but there has been many a time I've kung fu kicked the shit out of an ego.

 T in Walthamstow. He came round, I wasn't feeling it and I asked him to leave. T cried. I mean literally cried, there was tears. Why wasn't I attracted to him? "Please Jazz, please let me stay." I called his friend to come and take him away as he was crying and wailing and enough was enough. He finally left but when I spoke to his friend the next day and asked what the hell it was all about, he told me it was because T had recently split from his "beautiful" girlfriend and was still feeling raw. And in his experience FAT GIRLS NEVER SAY NO!!!
Ok. I mean this one did so.. Again, my fat self just decimating peoples self esteem by having some of my own. I was meant to be a confidence boost. Unfortunately he found himself a fatty who wasn't grateful or needing the validation of being wanted (he missed out on that, young me was all about that male validation)

I've always prided myself on being able to give many things a good stroke but unfortunately, an ego isn't one of those things. As ever these are just some of my thoughts and feelings, I could be completely wrong! And if you think that I am then please keep it to yourself- my ego and I couldn't take it.