The Ocean

It was probably about 15 years ago that one day I realised that I couldn't stop crying. I woke up crying, went to bed crying and spent pretty much every minute in between- you guessed it!- crying.
I was so incredibly sad all the time and I didn't know why. I went to the doctors and after apologising profusely for wasting his time and saying I didn't know why I'd even made an appointment, my 15 minute window of not crying came to an end and the floodgates opened. He told me I was depressed. Depressed?! What are you talking about mate- do I look homeless? Do I look like I don't have a loving family and a job? What the fuck have I got to be depressed about you dickhead??? But I was. Depression is a complete bitch. She kicks your arse in ways you couldn't imagine. There's not always a trigger or a reason and that's the real punch in the guts.  Because you think to yourself that you have everything. You have a great life and you're loved but when that dark cloud covers you, any rational thought goes out of the window. The reality of your life is never loud enough to quiet the screaming voices that tell you everything is shit. You're shit! And it's never going to get better.
Nobody experiences depression in the same way. You can lose all appetite or you can't stop eating (guess which one I am?) Some people can't stop sleeping and some can't sleep at all. Lack of personal hygiene, listlessness, crying, self harming, isolating yourself. A never ending list. And you feel so alone. The loneliness is excruciating. Because in that moment no one has ever felt like you do right now and no one could possibly understand. There is no point in trying to talk to someone about how you're feeling because they don't get it! And you can't put it into words anyway.
It's exhausting both physically and mentally. You feel like you're drowning in this vast ocean of nothingness and there is just no way to get back to the surface; your chest gets tighter and your brain feels confused from lack of air and you're so tired from fighting, you're so tired. You're just so fucking tired; that you think to yourself that you want it to end. There's been times when I've been driving along and thought to myself- there's a tree up ahead, just put your foot down and it will all be over. Not because I wanted to die but because I was so fucking tired of being tired. I just wanted a break from feeling so shit. You just want an escape. My escape has always been food and sex. I wasn't ever not hungry. Starving for something to fill me up as I felt so very hollow and empty inside.  I would cry slightly less while I was eating but the crying/sex combo wasn't great. It wasn't giving me the escape I wanted anymore. In fact it made me feel worse so I stopped. Days, weeks, months and then years went by. Turns out depression did make me lose my appetite after all.

When you're drowning it makes sense to look for someone to save you. The person I gave this task to was not lifeguard material. The worse he made me feel, the tighter I held on. Because in my befuddled mind it made sense that since he could make me feel so awful, he was the one that could give it back to me and make me feel good again. If I tried harder, looked better, was funnier. I wasn't able to pull myself out so I relied on this person. He was going to rescue me. He was somehow going to make everything better even though he clearly made everything worse. He was a good person really and far too good for me and everything was my fault and I deserved everything I got because I'm a terrible, terrible person. He was going to rescue me. He had the power to make me feel better and somehow cure a chemical imbalance in my brain...... Yeah, depression makes no senese at all.

I was going under again not too long ago. I could feel myself being dragged down and eventually the undercurrents were too strong to fight. I always feel so scared and completely by myself when this happens but depression being the utter twat that she is, makes it so that I can't stand to see anyone. Imagine that. Being so frightened and desperate for someone, anyone to be there and yet you can't leave the house. Convinced that I was a horrible daughter, useless mother, crap friend and all round scumbag, I stayed in my house and cried. Paralyzed and unable to reach out, any texts I would receive I'd answer with yeah, I'm fine thanks (smiley face emoji). Weeks went by and the calls and texts pretty much stopped, until I got a message from E. Now E is a new friend, I've not known her long and we're not super close. She asked me where I'd been and if I was ok. Before I knew what I was doing, I told her. I told her that I was really struggling actually and I couldn't leave the house and I'd been thinking of ways to end it all (sad face emoji). She didn't respond with how she knew how I was feeling, a competition about who had it worse and made it about herself. She didn't call me hun and promise me that everything would be great after a good nights sleep. And she didn’t ignore me and  change the subject from this awkward, uncomfortable one. To paraphrase she said " That's shit. You're a good person. It'll be ok"
And I cried even harder. Because depression makes the whole world revolve around you. You can't see past the pain you're in and while you think that no one can help or understand- they can. The truth is most of us have been there. To the outside world you would think that E has it made. Long term boyfriend, son, job she enjoys and although she would probably disagree with me, the woman looks like some kind of  goddess. 6 ft 1, curvy bod, long blonde hair, everything I'm not right? That's just on the outside though. Look a bit deeper and you'll see she's had hard times and suffered losses that I can't even stand to think of. She gets it and so for her birthday I left my house. Someone I never would have expected took my hand and pulled me out from those dark depths.
I think we all know I'm not the type of blogger to give you a step by step guide to good mental health and self care. Honestly, I can barely help myself let alone anyone else. If medication helps then please take it. If talking to someone helps then please reach out - whether it's to a professional or friend (old or new). Whatever it takes, whatever helps.

 If you're struggling just know that I get. And no matter how far down you are,
there is always a way back up.