I'm Sorry.

My Mum and her husband have been married for 10 years, together for more than that. It feels strange to call him my step dad as we are very close in age (he is only a few years my senior) but if you were to picture what a good step dad is and does - you would be picturing him. Dave has always been there for my girls and I. They call him Grandad and he proudly lets them. He is involved in every aspect of their lives and his approval means more to them than anyone else's, even mine. He is their only male role model and they couldn't have a better one. It made me so happy when one day,  my eldest daughter said she is going to marry a man exactly like her Grandad- hard working, kind, strong and all about family. Dave is the first person I call when something terrible happens as he always knows the answer. I am a never ending disaster and he has never judged me. In all the years he has been around, Dave has only shouted at me once. One time! When I hit a parked car and drove away, I called him panicking. He shouted, called me a moron and made me go back and leave my details. I did this. The owner got in touch and then guess what? Dave dealt with it.
So from all this, I guess you can work out what kind of man he is and the relationship we have.
So why is it that when the worst, most heart breaking, life shattering thing happened to him - I had nothing to say?
His beautiful Mum passed away and I don't know what to say to him.

I was suspicious of Dave when I first met him, he must have been putting on an act as I couldn't understand how he was such a good person.... Until I met his family. This was no act. He was a genuinely good person from a genuinely good family. His older brother and younger sister, warm, kind, funny, intelligent people. His younger brother I don't really know too well but he is a great business man and father. And their Mum and Dad (Margaret and Peter) - There isn't even words for how great this family is.

I don't know how to write this. I can't say it so I have to; but it's hard. And it hurts, my chest literally hurts. Margaret was unlike anyone I've ever met. She made me and my children a part of her life and her family when she didn't have to. She was completely without judgement and always encouraging, welcoming and loving. Every one of my children's birthdays, she was there. All of my friends knew she would be coming and bringing one of her homemade birthday cakes and would eagerly wait for her to arrive! Her cakes were legendary. If my childcare fell through so I couldn't get to work, she was on my doorstep in a flash to babysit. She always boosted Tanisha's confidence and never once was embarrassed or cross with Dolly's behaviour. Every boxing day, we would arrive en mass for lunch, she would be in her slippers rushing in and out of the kitchen. For the first few years, I would make myself feel awkward, almost an outsider. Not because Dave's family EVER made me feel that way! But because I made myself feel that way! Until one year, I sat looking at their mantelpiece and saw a picture of my girls up there with pride and place. Thinking about it now is so emotional to me. It doesn't seem like much but it was such a huge thing to me. It meant acceptance and it meant love. I have never met anybody like her before and I never will again.

I wish I could write something motivational or uplifting about how to deal with loss. I honestly have no advice to give. It's painful, you cry, your heartbreaks. My children have never lost anybody they love before and I have no way to make it better for them. If I have one piece of advice to share then it would be this- scream, cry, shout, do whatever it is you feel to do; but do something. You are allowed to fall apart. You are allowed to be angry. There is no wrong or right way to act. Just make sure that you allow yourself to grieve.
I'm still sitting here thinking of something to say. Something profound, something heartfelt, something to let Dave know I understand and that my heart is broken too; but there's nothing powerful enough, nothing supportive enough.
All that I can say, with all of my heart is I'm sorry.