Coconut.

I recently decided to get back on the horse and into the saddle of internet dating. Reading a message I had been sent, I decided to reply. Messages flew back and forth, banter, jokes, the usual questions asked and answers replied in the "getting to know you" phase. We decided to swap numbers and when he rang, the conversation started off well.... until Luton's answer to Malcolm X himself decided to preach a sermon I have heard one too many times before.

It began with him asking why my voice sounds the way it does. Apparently I sound more like an extra from The Only Way Is Essex than a black girl. My voice is all wrong. It was a bit awkward but I ignored him and tried to steer the conversation back on track, he wasn't having it.

 You're vegetarian? So you don't eat chicken?! - He was clearly disgusted. 

Rah, you have all those animals? That's some white peoples foolishness!- I should have hung up but I didn't.

So if your kids don't see their dads, how are they gonna LEARN to be black? And what's all this home schooling business? What, you don't give them beatings?! (he kissed his teeth) - At this point, I did tell him to piss off. 

But before I hung up he said "Nah man, you really are a coconut innit."

I was born to a white teenage girl, with an all white family, brought up in an all white neighbourhood, went to a pretty much all white school (I remember there being one Asian boy ) and had all white friends. 

As a young child I wasn't aware that I was different. Genuinely. Obviously I saw myself in the mirror and realised I was a different colour than everyone around me but it didn't register that it meant anything until I was older. It was difficult when that realisation hit. I felt almost mocked for wanting to explore black culture and history; by both family and friends. I was made to feel I should be embarrassed about being half black- if that was their intention or not that was how I felt. I was told to accept my Grandad's racism as it was just his generation. I loved that man. And I did accept it but his talk of  Darkies and Wogs make me wonder if he accepted me... but that's another story.

There are 2 communities that the majority of mixed race people I know belong to- the black community and the white community. And in my experience, neither of them want us. We can never be fully accepted into the white community for the glaringly obvious reason that we are not white. Of course there are exceptions such as the Meghan Markles of the world who can pass for being so light skinned with such fine facial features but the rest of us? No. 

The black community does not want us as they have the belief that our lives are easier for being lighter skinned and we will never know the struggle of being black. Our skin colour somehow allows us privileges, after all while they would have been field slaves, we would have been house slaves. I kid you not, that is an actual comment I read on a Fb thread. It angered me at first, I sat there thinking what privilege?  Me being mixed race hasn't stopped me being called a black bitch or a nigger. It has never stopped me being screamed at to go back to where I came from. When I had my eldest child, I remember pushing her pram past a pub garden. A group of men were enjoying the summer sun, drinking and just as I reached them, one threw a banana skin at me, laughing loudly, saying he wanted to feed the baby monkey. My light skin privilege has never stopped security from following my every move in a shop. It has never stopped ladies of a certain age from clutching their handbags tightly to them when I walk by. To the part of the white community that IS racist there is no difference to me being mixed race- I'm just black. 

But then maybe there is some truth to it. When I think deeply and honestly being mixed race has afforded me some privileges. And there have been occasions that I have taken full advantage of them. For example in my late teens, myself and my sister would use our colour to our advantage with men. As shameful as this is to say, when we were younger African men were a joke to us and all our friends. We had some ridiculous notion that being from the Caribbean we were somehow superior. When African men approached us we would play them and play them hard. We would let them know that talking to light skinned girls like us was an honour! And in return we wanted money and things. There was never any kind of physical contact but we lead them to believe there would be one day; as long as they kept paying for everything. We felt so entitled purely because we were light skinned and pretty. Colourism is alive and strong within the black community and I have heard many black  men say that they would never date a dark skinned girl. Does the media push the notion of "black beauty" as being no darker than say Beyoncé?  Does that affect how we all gauge what is a desirable and acceptable colour to be? I looked up dark skinned models on Instagram, I found a stunning model with skin that was hypnotising! She was so dark and so beautiful; the comments were vile, filled with Ews and foul, foul things about her being "too" dark. Comments from men and women but the majority I would say were from black men. Is that colourism though or is it just preference? I remember having a conversation with a white man at a club many years ago. He couldn't seem to get his head round the fact that I wasn't interested and that I was attracted to very dark skinned men. He said I was racist but surely that is just my preference, same as some girls are only attracted to men with a six pack or blue eyes? Maybe I'm wrong.

Race is such a complex area. I feel the frustration of most of the white community who walk through the minefield of this new PC era. The people who couldn't give a crap if you're white, black or purple - if you're good to them then they'll be good to you. They have the ignorant and bigots who can make it seem like they're all tarnished with the same brush or the super PC brigade who "don't see colour". FYI I find that super offensive. I am ME, See my colour! See what is a part of me and to some degree makes me, ME! Not seeing "colour" is whitewashing and actually just ridiculous. 

 I feel anger when I hear of the injustices STILL carried out today against the black community. Even though they say I am not one of them, I'm not black enough, I don't eat chicken, wear weaves, talk a certain way or any of the other ridiculous stereotypes that they themselves sometimes impose. Or the new super woke brigade, all about those Martin Luther King quotes, calling each other Kings and Queens and denouncing me as the spawn of the white devil. Yep. I've actually had that said to me- social media really does bring out all the nutters.

I'm not a social justice warrior or an expert on race relations so I hope that no one read this and took offence. That was not my intention. This is just my thoughts on who I am, my truths, reality and feelings about being a mixed chick.

Black on the outside, white on the inside. Shaken from the leaves, no longer wanted by the tree- a coconut is quite fitting really.