Fat Girl Lesbian?
As you all know by now, I am forever single. The living embodiment of the crazy cat lady. But some people, who don't know me well are unaware of this fact. It was at college on Friday when a classmate and I were chatting; she asked me in her thick Romanian accent, "You are married?"
When I'd finished laughing hysterically at the question, I answered "No. There's no man in my life".
At which point she replied " Ah, you are a lesbian."
Now there was no question mark at the end of that statement, it was said as fact and she nodded knowingly. Before I could respond, a chorus of questions and banter erupted around the room full of women. Telling me I was better off away from men blah, blah, blah. I let them carry on for a few minutes before I told them that actually no, I was all about the mans! I just couldn't get one.
But what I noticed was the curiosity. Official statistics tell us that more than 50% of women in the UK are bi-curious and it got me thinking of my own 'that one time in band camp' story.....
I met Smelen years ago. She is gorgeous, the complete opposite of me with a slim figure, glossy hair and porcelain skin. Smelen is also crazy. I mean at times almost certifiable crazy. Some of the best times in my 20's were spent with her and from literally the minute we first met, we were friends. It was the easiest friendship I've ever fallen into, we were just meant for each other. She gets me, I get her. Simple. We've always loved each other as friends and still do. But one summer we didn't just love each other, we fell IN love with each other. I think.... As with all of my dating history, it's complicated! It was a really hard period in my life. Looking back I really was having some sort of mental breakdown. I was desperately sad and so was Smelen (for her own reasons)
We bonded over our shitty lives. Smelen is a drinker, always has been. To try and escape, for that summer I became one too. We drank, got crazy, did stupid things, went out a lot and drank some more. We thought it was funny at the time but we were so destructive to ourselves. We had to be together as much as possible. If we were at work we would constantly call and text each other until we got home, when we would race to see each other as soon as possible! It was obsessive and really unhealthy but we needed the other to fuel our foolishness.
Our favourite time of the week was what we called "Weekend Wednesday". We would both get babysitters and be free to drink and do stupid shit. We were promiscuous, which is strange because at this point we despised men. Everything about them sickened us and we laughed at how pathetic the ones we engaged with were. They were nothing and completely disposable to us. All we needed was each other.
We were only ever physical once. One time. As with the majority of my sexual encounters, it was.... awkward..... There was a lot of heavy breathing, I was so drunk that the smell of vodka on her breath made me gag a bit. It wasn't anything like a scene from orange is the new black! I kept my frumpy pj's on and I remember Smelen had been sick and had got it down her dress. I lay on my bed, moaning that I felt ill and we just sort of rubbed ourselves together until it felt like we were starting a fire and had to stop. I had a huge front wedgie from all the rubbing and it was just cringe. So cringe. Completely unsexy, sort of dry humping/ scissoring, smelling of sick and booze, wearing my size 20 primark pyjamas. I passed out and Smelen went back out partying. We met up the next morning to get our 'morning after the night before' Burger king breakfast of mini hash browns before we went our separate ways to work. Nothing had changed between us but I think we both realised that the love we had for each other we had twisted. It wasn't romantic and it wasn't sexual, it was the same love we had always had but just amped up on vodka. A hell of a lot of vodka to be fair! I learned so much from that summer though; that my mental health is extremely fragile! That for a fat girl, I'm a serious lightweight with booze! And that no matter if it's with a male or female, being with me will always be somewhat... cringe.
(I asked Smelen for her permission to write this blog. Of course she said yes- She has zero 'F's' to give)
When I'd finished laughing hysterically at the question, I answered "No. There's no man in my life".
At which point she replied " Ah, you are a lesbian."
Now there was no question mark at the end of that statement, it was said as fact and she nodded knowingly. Before I could respond, a chorus of questions and banter erupted around the room full of women. Telling me I was better off away from men blah, blah, blah. I let them carry on for a few minutes before I told them that actually no, I was all about the mans! I just couldn't get one.
But what I noticed was the curiosity. Official statistics tell us that more than 50% of women in the UK are bi-curious and it got me thinking of my own 'that one time in band camp' story.....
We bonded over our shitty lives. Smelen is a drinker, always has been. To try and escape, for that summer I became one too. We drank, got crazy, did stupid things, went out a lot and drank some more. We thought it was funny at the time but we were so destructive to ourselves. We had to be together as much as possible. If we were at work we would constantly call and text each other until we got home, when we would race to see each other as soon as possible! It was obsessive and really unhealthy but we needed the other to fuel our foolishness.
Our favourite time of the week was what we called "Weekend Wednesday". We would both get babysitters and be free to drink and do stupid shit. We were promiscuous, which is strange because at this point we despised men. Everything about them sickened us and we laughed at how pathetic the ones we engaged with were. They were nothing and completely disposable to us. All we needed was each other.
We were only ever physical once. One time. As with the majority of my sexual encounters, it was.... awkward..... There was a lot of heavy breathing, I was so drunk that the smell of vodka on her breath made me gag a bit. It wasn't anything like a scene from orange is the new black! I kept my frumpy pj's on and I remember Smelen had been sick and had got it down her dress. I lay on my bed, moaning that I felt ill and we just sort of rubbed ourselves together until it felt like we were starting a fire and had to stop. I had a huge front wedgie from all the rubbing and it was just cringe. So cringe. Completely unsexy, sort of dry humping/ scissoring, smelling of sick and booze, wearing my size 20 primark pyjamas. I passed out and Smelen went back out partying. We met up the next morning to get our 'morning after the night before' Burger king breakfast of mini hash browns before we went our separate ways to work. Nothing had changed between us but I think we both realised that the love we had for each other we had twisted. It wasn't romantic and it wasn't sexual, it was the same love we had always had but just amped up on vodka. A hell of a lot of vodka to be fair! I learned so much from that summer though; that my mental health is extremely fragile! That for a fat girl, I'm a serious lightweight with booze! And that no matter if it's with a male or female, being with me will always be somewhat... cringe.
(I asked Smelen for her permission to write this blog. Of course she said yes- She has zero 'F's' to give)
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