21 Stone And Desperate
To me, my weight is all consuming, and has been for a good part of my adult life. I've starved myself, tried meal replacements, joined slimming world and weight watchers. I've tried the raw food diet, the cabbage soup diet, cut out all sugar, joined boot camps; things work for a while but then stop. Why you may ask? Because when it comes to food, I'm a liar and a cheat. I know every trick in the book! I know exactly what to eat, when to eat and how to exercise, I'm not stupid or lazy. But I am greedy. And OBSESSED with food. It's my everything. My best friend, my reward, my consolation and my punishment. I lie to myself that I'll do better tomorrow. I cheat myself out of feeling and looking good.
A few years ago I cheated on my biggest weight loss attempt yet. I was desperate, things had got wildly out of control. At 5'3, I weighed nearly 21 stone. The biggest I've ever been. I was stuck in my crazy eating cycle and the bigger I got, the more depressed I felt and the more I ate.
I spoke to my Mum about my fears, that actually at this size I was dying. Literally. My joints ached and I struggled to breathe. Of course my mum understood- she has struggled all her life with weight and food. She has been 7 stone and bulimic. Then gaining a huge amount of weight. Then losing it, then gaining it. It seems all the females in our family struggle with food issues, my aunt, cousin, my late nan. It's almost a competition- who can lose most, gain most, constrict the most calories.
Anyway, we decided I needed help, surgical help, so we went along to a private hospital to discuss the possibility of a gastric band. The consultant spoke for a good hour and I didn't hear a word. I nodded and agreed when I felt I should but all I could think was that this was it. The answer to all my problems. I desperately wanted it, needed it in fact. So my mum handed over a few thousand pounds and my surgery was scheduled.
A car with a driver was sent to chauffer me to the hospital in Birmingham. I hadn't read any of the information I was given. I did know that I was meant to have had a liquid diet for 2 weeks before to shrink my liver (when you're obese, your organs obviously grow in size) if the liver is too big then surgery on your stomach is impossible. I'd managed for 2 weeks until the morning of my surgery when in my typical self destruction mode, I went to Mcdonalds. On the day of my surgery. God, I'm an idiot.
But my surgery went ahead, no complications and I came round from the anaesthetic (something I had worried about with being so big)
I woke up in my lovely private room and my whole stomach hurt, as did my shoulder which turned out to be from trapped gas. But worse than both those things combined- I felt hungry. That wasn't right! Except it was. If I'd actually listened or done any research at all then I would have known that I would still feel hungry. Turns out the band only constricts the amount I could eat. Not what I could eat.
So I went home and when I was brave enough to eat anything other than soup, I cheated. Yes, I lost a heck of alot of weight but my eating habits hadn't changed at all, just the amount. If you eat too much the band pushes food back and you vomit, especially with carbs. Pasta is my passion. I would get myself a huge plate, eat a few forkfuls and then it would come back up. I would carry on eating and the same thing would happen again and again. I could cheat the band. Thousands of pounds wasted, actual surgery! and I still cheated.
My band is still on today, I never removed it. I'm sure its hanging on by a thread but without it, who knows what weight I'd be?? So I take a bit of comfort from that. A tiny bit.
There we have it. Not many people know about my little secret but I see more and more people turning to surgery to solve their weight problems. And for many people, it doesn't work. In fact they rarely offer the lap band anymore because of its fail rate. The permanent surgery, gastric bypass, is what most people get. Changing myself physically did not solve my food issues meaning that it's a mental battle. I know this blog wasn't witty or light hearted, I also know that's what most of you come for. But this blog was as ever my truth, my therapy and guess what? whilst I was writing it I didn't think about eating once.....
Small steps.
Thanks so much for reading xx
A few years ago I cheated on my biggest weight loss attempt yet. I was desperate, things had got wildly out of control. At 5'3, I weighed nearly 21 stone. The biggest I've ever been. I was stuck in my crazy eating cycle and the bigger I got, the more depressed I felt and the more I ate.
I spoke to my Mum about my fears, that actually at this size I was dying. Literally. My joints ached and I struggled to breathe. Of course my mum understood- she has struggled all her life with weight and food. She has been 7 stone and bulimic. Then gaining a huge amount of weight. Then losing it, then gaining it. It seems all the females in our family struggle with food issues, my aunt, cousin, my late nan. It's almost a competition- who can lose most, gain most, constrict the most calories.
Anyway, we decided I needed help, surgical help, so we went along to a private hospital to discuss the possibility of a gastric band. The consultant spoke for a good hour and I didn't hear a word. I nodded and agreed when I felt I should but all I could think was that this was it. The answer to all my problems. I desperately wanted it, needed it in fact. So my mum handed over a few thousand pounds and my surgery was scheduled.
A car with a driver was sent to chauffer me to the hospital in Birmingham. I hadn't read any of the information I was given. I did know that I was meant to have had a liquid diet for 2 weeks before to shrink my liver (when you're obese, your organs obviously grow in size) if the liver is too big then surgery on your stomach is impossible. I'd managed for 2 weeks until the morning of my surgery when in my typical self destruction mode, I went to Mcdonalds. On the day of my surgery. God, I'm an idiot.
But my surgery went ahead, no complications and I came round from the anaesthetic (something I had worried about with being so big)
I woke up in my lovely private room and my whole stomach hurt, as did my shoulder which turned out to be from trapped gas. But worse than both those things combined- I felt hungry. That wasn't right! Except it was. If I'd actually listened or done any research at all then I would have known that I would still feel hungry. Turns out the band only constricts the amount I could eat. Not what I could eat.
So I went home and when I was brave enough to eat anything other than soup, I cheated. Yes, I lost a heck of alot of weight but my eating habits hadn't changed at all, just the amount. If you eat too much the band pushes food back and you vomit, especially with carbs. Pasta is my passion. I would get myself a huge plate, eat a few forkfuls and then it would come back up. I would carry on eating and the same thing would happen again and again. I could cheat the band. Thousands of pounds wasted, actual surgery! and I still cheated.
My band is still on today, I never removed it. I'm sure its hanging on by a thread but without it, who knows what weight I'd be?? So I take a bit of comfort from that. A tiny bit.
There we have it. Not many people know about my little secret but I see more and more people turning to surgery to solve their weight problems. And for many people, it doesn't work. In fact they rarely offer the lap band anymore because of its fail rate. The permanent surgery, gastric bypass, is what most people get. Changing myself physically did not solve my food issues meaning that it's a mental battle. I know this blog wasn't witty or light hearted, I also know that's what most of you come for. But this blog was as ever my truth, my therapy and guess what? whilst I was writing it I didn't think about eating once.....
Small steps.
Thanks so much for reading xx
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